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Dating thoughts, Part 2.

January 17, 2016 By Heidi Allen 5 Comments

Well, here I am…six months later after diving into Match.com and maybe a little Tinder here and there. It has been five years since I have been in a “with him everyday; part of each other’s reality” kind of relationship, and a lot has happened in life since then. For one thing I have become a COMPLETELY different person. For another, Jasan has grown up quite a bit and he communicates pretty well with me now. School is a full day occurrence; I work as close to full-time as I can since my work life pre-child…

I thought maybe it was time to be open to a romantic relationship.

I found out that it’s hard. Not that I thought it would be super easy. It is crazy how much over-thinking I was doing. What happened to the “fall madly in love blindly” feeling that you have when you are early twenties? Ha. I’m kidding when I say that, but it gets awfully  complicated when you factor age, single parent status and autism into the mix.

During first couple of dates I found myself with this weird feeling of having to explain my situation, which I hadn’t ever had to do before. I almost was embarrassed to do so. Not embarrassed of Jasan; that is not what I mean. Embarrassed that I live with my mom and stepdad because I need someone else in this world, besides me, to know my little guy inside and out. I don’t have any free time like normal adults do. I sleep with my son. He still needs me. (This is always debated; I don’t even want to go there. My mom gut says he needs it. I know him and I will know when it is time to start separating.) I only have one babysitter option for nights out (my mom: Aka, “Grammie”). She isn’t readily available, so that means I can go out one MAYBE two nights a month?

Should I keep going?

Hell, what was I thinking? Any guy that I would be talking to would think I’m not date-able. Any guy who likes to spend a lot of time together anyway. I LOVE spending quality time. That’s my deal. That is what makes me tick when it comes to romance…but I don’t have that option.

Frustration.

As time went on, I was focusing on everything about my life that sucks. I mean what really sucks. The last time I was in that funk was when I had come to know Jasan was autistic. I had to mourn. I compared. I worked with kids at the time. Oh man…I would cry on my way home from work so many times. But then, a light bulb went off.

THAT IS NOT SERVING ME OR MY SON. CHANGE THE PERSPECTIVE.

Back then, I really needed to do that to even survive. Depression would have overcome me and I would have been worthless otherwise. Here I was, left to do this alone (which I thought would be do-able…but throw autism into the mix? Damn. Didn’t have a plan for that.)

So, the positivity angel swooped my soul up and gave me a new pair of glasses to look through. Life changed. I cherished all the beautiful differences my son has that other kids did not and just accepted him for WHO HE IS. Challenges and all. A little while later I started taking photographs of his “oddities” which I loved. I gained some momentum and Hello! to this project. Following Jasan was born and I started budding creatively, which I had not done in many years. I started learning more about myself, which basically is what parenting is all about. (Ha. Not what you expect pre-kid, at least your first one anyway.)

I was okay with not having a partner. I didn’t have time to focus on anything else but Jasan and me and figuring out life with autism. I dabbled in a long distance connection when he was younger, but in the end, we didn’t live in each other’s reality. That is not what I wanted. So, single was to be my status.

It took some getting used to, but after a while I didn’t miss it. I didn’t miss the male affection I was accustomed to receiving. In a weird way, I was thankful for this. I know being single and working on ME was something that I needed to do for a long time. It was something that life (circumstantially) forced me into, but it changed me none-the-less.

Fast forward to now, and here I am…back in the funk. I loathe the funk. It scares me, as someone who has dealt with depression since my childhood years. I realized though, it’s okay to want to do things. I miss out on a lot. DATING, soooooo many girlfriend hang outs, going to the movies, going out for drinks, doing anything adult, picking where I want to go to eat vs. where Jasan will eat, photography shoots with my friends, just taking time to learn stuff! Classes, whatever! Simple things like going to the store by myself. Shopping, being spontaneous, traveling, visiting my brother in Arizona… SO. MANY. THINGS. Even when we did finally get to go to Arizona this past Thanksgiving, I STILL MISSED OUT ON STUFF. Sometimes I just feel a big WTF.

But, here I am again. Time to change the perspective. During a really great discussion with my awesome boss, he suggested I listen to a specific podcast: an amazing story of one individual’s strength…and what stood out to me was: are you a VICTIM or a VICTOR?

I have lived the victim card now for some months. I am so done. I don’t like these glasses…I want my victor ones back.

I found them in an old drawer today. Cleaned em’ up and they are ready to wear.

I love my son more than ever. I am excited about our future. I am excited about the day we had today. We have some cool new things and are getting reorganized and that FEELS GOOD.

I am done focusing on LACK, because my life is full of beauty. It may not be your “typical” beauty, but it’s mine, it’s what surrounds me and I will cherish it.

This is a pretty vulnerable post. I wrote it for all the other parents who are held captive by their kid’s special needs. It’s great if you have a wonderful partner to help, but sometimes partners are no help either. Partner or no partner, it can feel EXTREMELY LONELY.

If you have felt this, it is possible to turn it around. Quit looking at what you hate and look at what you love.

The universe will deliver a very different experience to you. It has happened to me before and I know it will again. Try it.

snuggles

He is my favorite snuggle partner. I am helping him to learn how secure he is, because he can feel the love from his mama. That is life-giving to me. <3

Filed Under: General, Mental Health Tagged With: acceptance, aspergers, autism, autism awareness, autism spectrum, children, dating, difficulties in parenting, emotional awareness, mothers and sons, quality time, sensory processing disorder, single parenting, special needs

The Office.

November 14, 2014 By Heidi Allen 6 Comments

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2295. That’s what Jasan and I term the office. This is the building where I work. I have a new job and I am loving it so much. Because I can’t entirely work a full day yet, (single mom, no daycare, the boy is done with school and off the bus at 3:15 pm,) I came up with the brilliant idea of working Saturdays.

I remember very clearly the couple of times I went to my dad’s office when I was young. He was a graphic designer in my early years, and he had the coolest office. Just the whole office environment was pretty darn awesome in my opinion. It felt so “adult” and it was a chance to, for a few hours, be part of someone else’s everyday reality that wasn’t mine. Obviously because it was my DAD’s reality, it meant a lot to me. Plus, being the artistic little girl that I was, I could not get over the massive marker set that he had. I’m not talking about Crayola or Sharpie kind of markers, these were the “professional artist” Prismacolor set of markers. Not to mention, I was not drawing on typical copy paper, it was those artist pads of special “drawing”paper. ha. (This was graphic design before computers took over!)

prsimacolor-markers-7

Now, with my son’s love of computers, and anything mechanical really, I figured he would love coming to the office I work in.

I was SOOOOOO RIGHT.

This Saturday will be week 5 of this experiment. I knew it would take a couple of Saturdays of just exploring with him and that I would not get any real “work” done. I was very correct about that. 🙂 But now, he knows what he wants to do when we go there and he LOVES it! (And, I can actually be productive.)

I am hoping to create a fun memory for him.

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Oh man. The Canon. This puppy is a BIG hit. We hardly EVER use this tank of an old copy machine. But, Jasan has provided it some love lately because it is his new object of affection. I keep a special stack of “Jasan paper” that we keep reloading for his use. He does not care what is being copied. It is all about the sounds and the mechanics of the machine.

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And then, Mama’s headset. (heehee. It’s just cute on him.) He was quite mesmerized by it at first. We call Grampie from the office every time and Jasan will mumble about turning computers on and off and Canon and copying, etc. (We are still not quite versed with talking on the phone. It’s pretty much a mystery to the person on the other end what the heck Jasan is saying, but it is adorable none the less. He is really trying!)

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The conference room is way cool too. The computer in there is viewed on the big screen which is very handy when watching Wall.E videos on YouTube! He wears his noise canceling headphones because we also have a fancy coffee machine that is a bit noisy when you turn it on. And off. And on. 🙂

Because it is pretty much just us in the building on Saturdays, we can run down the hallway to the lunch room. Putting coins in the vending machine to get chips and Oreos (ha…his favorite!) is always a thrill. There is a key code to get into the restroom, and of course we have to spend a few minutes there each time as well.

I like that we have our Saturday “Mama’s office” routine. It fills him up with his time to explore, and I can get a few more things done that I wasn’t able to Monday – Friday with my limited hours.

And……..we are together. I love that more than anything.

Making memories.

<3

 

Filed Under: General, Obsessions Tagged With: aspergers, autism, autism awareness, obsessions, offices, parenting, quality time, single parenting, weekends, work

Time.

September 28, 2014 By Heidi Allen 5 Comments

Today I learned of a friend’s passing. He was very young and leaves behind a beautiful wife and two amazing autistic children. My heart feels completely saddened for this family. A husband and a father is now gone. Dynamics have changed…so unexpectedly.

We have all heard the phrases, “Live life like it’s your last day on earth.” “Life is too short.”

But do you? Really?

Those statements really hit you when an accident happens, and it seems unreal. Say what you want to say to your loved ones. Make time..

Quality time to spend with friends and family.

Love a little more. Hug a little tighter. Make connections. Keep in touch. Just simply BE happy. Realize and be grateful for the blessings in life.

We don’t know when our last moments will be.

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<3

In honor of Bill Maglares. You are in heaven now watching over your family. They will always have their own personal angel…

Filed Under: General, Mental Health Tagged With: autism, autism awareness, death, family, family time, friends, life, love, quality time

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