life skills

Year 13…

October 4, 2022 By Heidi Allen 10 Comments

Hello all! It’s been many years of being MIA from this wonderful method of communicating, but it’s time to come back. I can’t think of a better time to start. We are now embarking on the teenage chapter of life!

My love for writing has been dormant for a very long time. It feels good to sit with my computer in my lap and let my thoughts flow. So much life has been lived and many changes have happened since I have last been here! I have decided to wake up my love of sharing our story. This is a wonderful creative outlet for me, but the overall intention has always been to connect with others out there that have loved ones in their lives whose brains may function different than whatever the f@#k “normal” is supposed to be in society.

I will be eternally grateful for my son coming in to my life experience. My mind’s view of the world has been broadened in so many ways. Thirteen years ago he flipped on a light switch in me. It has been a journey, but I am in a place where I do my best to learn and dive into a loving, accepting place for everyone I come across. I honestly don’t think I would have become the person I am today without him. (I could write a whole post on just that subject!)

It’s kind of funny…it seemed that during his actual birthday week, his attitude started to change. As I giggled to myself realizing that I definitely have a teenager now, I noticed right away that there will be a whole different set of challenges. I am sure that every parent feels that. The tricky part for me is that our situation is a bit different.

I hate comparisons, but sometimes they are necessary to make assessments. A very good friend of mine has twin boys that are 6 months older than Jasan. Occasionally we all get together and I watch her boys interact with the world. As our boys have grown, the differences have become more significant. Physical development obviously, same.

Mentally, very unalike. Not better or worse, just dissimilar. As you may guess, knowing what most of the world recognizes about autistic traits, reading social cues and interactions with peers run on different parallels. Neurotypical people have learned facial expressions and body language by default. Neurodiverse individuals struggle more in that regard, which I would assume makes living life in this society very effortful.

I have read many articles written by those on the autism spectrum that talk about masking. Masking would be defined as the act of hiding one’s autism related behaviors, as well as displaying socially expected behaviors, to fit in. It has also been explained that the process of masking involves applying social skills MANUALLY rather than UNCONSCIOUSLY. It requires constant focus, and effort.

That. Sounds. Exhausting.

It also seems unfair.

At this point, I don’t think that Jasan is experiencing this at a substantial level (yet.) He still does his own thing when I am with him; stimming the way that he does. At home he skips around the room, scripting videos from YouTube that are present in his mind at that moment. He always has his laminated pictures nearby (of whatever his interest is at the current time.) I have always presumed that those pictures are a comfort item. He literally has a few with him at ALL TIMES. His little pile will follow him around the house, and when he leaves for school he has a few in his hand and the rest that are meaningful that day go in his backpack.

At school they all remain in his backpack. That is the rule. This is probably helpful so he realizes he can function without them, because in his adult life that would be weird to walk around with laminated photos in his hands. (See? Right there. A form of masking that may occur. Having to act like the majority of the world and doing what everyone else does. In turn, he excludes a comfort item. Now, the comfort item may change and become something that doesn’t appear “odd” in society. But the point is, masking. An example of how it sucks.)

When we are in public, he has his iPad or phone in his hands. He has started to carry a bag or backpack wherever we go with his pictures inside. He is my budding photographer (yesterday we discovered that he has 34,000 photos in his phone right now!) but what he loves to take pictures of is entirely his own niche, and I absolutely love that about him. The reason I mention this is because when he is in action, I am SURE people are wondering why he is taking the pictures that he does.

Right now the main subject of interest is cars. He knows *almost* (but feels like everything) about models of cars and their aesthetics. His car photos always target the rear end of the vehicle. He also likes to focus on the license plates themselves.

So, you can imagine when we roll by a car that catches his eye in a parking lot and he jumps out to take a pic, people wonder WTF? We have even had to deal with some questioning why… or we just wait until people leave the area. (The easiest way, lol.)

We were at Woodfield Mall the other day and he noticed the address numbers on the bottom of the store windows. He crouched down and took a picture of each number as we walked past.

I had good friend participate in a craft show recently, and it was held in a large high school gym. Jasan’s eyes immediately took flight to the huge scoreboards with LED numbers and of course, he was totally all over that! Through the sea of people he made his way to each end of the gym and positioned himself, very obviously, to align himself with the best close up shot.

I stood behind him and noticed a few women nearby watching and questioning what he was doing. I usually look at inquisitive people and smile. It deflates the moment, of which Jasan doesn’t even recognize, but also makes me feel better. And hopefully, opens the mind of those that see him as strange.

Don’t judge. Just accept all humans for who they are. Instead of situations being weird, why can’t we as a society start to think, “Cool! What is that guy doing? Must be something interesting…”

Coming back around to social development, 13 year old autistic, neurodiverse Jasan compared to most 13 year old neurotypical kids is wildly obvious to me. The interests and conversations are distinctively different.

Having a group of buddies and talking about girls, playing team sports and starting to notice development of social circles in school is how I see the neurotypical 13 year old boys around me. Jasan, on the other hand, does not have a friend group outside of school. I highly doubt that he interacts with the kids in his class as if they are personal friends; he most likely just exists on his own in the same room with them all day.

He doesn’t like sports. He likes his school, but because all of the kids that attend are autistic, he is not experiencing diverse social groupings. That doesn’t exist there. There has not, even for a blip of a moment, been any mention of being attracted to another person in a teenage romantic sort of way. (THANK GOODNESS. I haven’t even began to wrap my head around that stage of life yet.)

Jasan currently seems to be happy in OUR bubble. Still hanging out with his mama and going on our version of adventures, or just hanging out each doing our own thing but in the same space. On dad’s days off, we have family days and he doesn’t want to stray from that yet…

He still finds joy in skipping in front of the house pushing the hand truck/dolly just like he did when he was a little guy. There are many little routines that continue to hang around that seem juvenile, but I envision his play on imagination during these times to be highly evolved. He doesn’t need anyone to walk along with him; he is happy in his own private moments of the movie he is acting out in his mind.

Now… I’m not going to lie. As I write this, I realize how selfish it is for me to want to hang onto this phase where he is cool just being with me. But, inevitably it will change, and I know that will feel weird. Sad in a way, but in the same breath, I always feel elated when he evolves. I feel unconventional in regards to parents who make mournful comments about their kids growing up. In my situation, these are exciting times. That excitement trumps the loss of the kid stage, every time.

The phrase “stay in the present” that we all hear often is my focus these days. I want to make a practice to keep it that way. Time is not slowing down. Independence is a wonderful thing that I am excited for him to embrace. I don’t want to miss a thing!

I think I’ll end this post here. There is a lot more to talk about as time goes on…

Thanks for spending a few minutes here with me.

Therapeutic Day School? Really?

May 17, 2016 By Heidi Allen 7 Comments

Jasan has been going to the same public school since the age of three. He is now six. For the past two years he has been in the autistic program within the public school.

In the last IEP meeting we had, the team that works with him felt that some of Jasan’s behaviors were beyond what they were able to deal with. Destructive behavior without any reasonable or predictable antecedent. This is different from the year before and they feel like they are at a loss, therefore, the suggestion was made for him to be transferred to a therapeutic day school where they work with kids that are in a similar situation.

I was not averse to that recommendation. I want whatever is best for my son. I will do whatever it takes without hesitation. So, we (my mom and I) checked out the schools that they recommended and decided on the one that felt like it would be the best for him.

After the first visit, I was not expecting the emotions that arose within me. I was crying the whole way to work after our morning tour of the first school. Why was I feeling sad? Was I scared for him? Is this another feeling of loss to experience of a mom of an autistic child? He can’t make it in public school?

Probably all of the above, but I thought I was stronger than that. I thought, especially knowing the way I reacted to the idea from the team to send him elsewhere, that I was cool with it. NO big deal. It would be better for him.

During the second school tour, I felt good. In comparison to the first tour, this school kicked ass. I liked how the principal presented their mission and how he described the way the try to really understand why kids have the behaviors that they do. Actually getting to the root of the issues. Again, when I left, that strange wave of sadness took me down.

I have vivid memories of separation anxiety with my mom. BIG TIME. Almost debilitating to me. It was a horrible feeling that I wouldn’t wish on anyone, and I can see some of that in Jasan. I see a lot of similarities between him and me. Parts of little Heidi; emotional behaviors in my childhood that give me anxiety just thinking back that far. Gut wrenching feelings. In all honesty, that scares me.

I don’t think that he fully understands that he will be going to a new school in a month. We visited the new school (which upset him very much because our morning was out of routine) and once we got there, he seemed okay. Timid, but going with the flow.

In my mind, I was sad for him the night before. I was explaining what the morning would look like. The tears and the begging “I just to stay at (his current school)” was making my heart hurt. I don’t think I have ever loved so much to where my heart literally feels like it is being crushed to bits when he is sad. The thought of this transition and his discomfort is pretty paralyzing to me right now. I did not expect these feelings at all.

I get sick to my stomach and angry sometimes when I hear parents that have kids (that transition with no issues) say, “Kids are resilient. He will adjust fine.” I have no doubt that eventually he will be in a new routine and all be will okay. But, the transition may be something that creates distress inside that he may NOT forget. That happened to me. I didn’t forget, and it made a difference in my life in some respects.

I realize I cannot control every aspect of his life. I cannot save him from pain; from sadness. Again, having a child is such a lesson in life. Oh, letting go of control. That is hard one, especially when it has to do with what he is exposed to out of my sight. He is the love of my life and the closest person to my heart. Autism…ugh. He doesn’t tell me what happens play by play at school or when we aren’t together. He doesn’t share much at all. I am not sure he can yet. That is always something that I have struggled with. It’s really tough.

Today, after the visit to the day school with Jasan was rough for me. I don’t like the idea of him being so far from my office every day. Right now his current school is 7 minutes from me. Sometimes I think I have separation anxiety with him; there are days when I long to see him and can’t wait to be with him again. <3

This is a lot to take in. For him, once he starts making the change. For me, taking in all of this new information and watching him go through this move. He needs to go to a special school and that is okay. It is not what I envisioned for him, but again I have to change the expectations in my mind.

Why is it so hard to just not have expectations? It is impossible.

I want him to be successful. I want him to be able to hold a job and be independent. Ii hope he is a scientist or a sound engineer…whatever his dream ends up to be. I want him to thrive in this life. I hope he finds the perfect woman who understands him like I do and that they are able to have a love that is beyond measure within a fulfilling relationship.

These are expectations I have for his adulthood because I love him so much.

If life takes a detour to get him there, then I guess so be it. This is my lesson to go with the flow and let go of my childhood memories of anxiety. At least I know how to spot it and can hopefully help buffer it for him. The feelings of anxiety and sadness are going to come up for me in the days ahead. I will try to keep my thoughts positive, but I need to get my feelings out as well.

I want him to FOREVER know how much my heart LONGS for him, and to know I could inhale him I love him so much. 🙂

Just talk to me…

February 23, 2016 By Heidi Allen 8 Comments

It seems to me that within the past week, Jasan’s language is becoming more conversational.

THIS. IS. BEYOND. EXCITING!!!

I have waited 6 1/2 years for these moments. 6 1/2 years.

It’s really happening!

Tonight, after lights were out, we laid in bed and just talked. I have been trying to come up with some more adventures (new experiences for him) for us to do together, and camping came to mind. (I am SO not a camper, but I’ll try anything for him.) I suggested in the summer we could do something like that if he is interested. We literally had a whole conversation, where he was coming up with ideas and asking me questions, and we have a tentative plan.

Do research on the perfect tent to buy. (Jasan and Mama size of course.)
Buy a book and watch videos on YouTube about camping.
Buy the tent in June.
Learn how to put the tent together.
Practice “camping” under our bedroom glow in the dark ceiling stars. (LOL.)
Give it a go outside on the backyard deck one time.
In July, pick a campground. Go check it out and visualize the experience. Make a list of things we would need/do.
Camp for real. I hope I can make a fire.

(Did I just really write all of that? <3 Total elation.)

And guess what the last thing he said to me before falling asleep was?

I LOVE YOU MAMA.

Eighth time I have heard that unprompted. That is few and far between in his life so far, but each one of those eight times my heart has been filled so full it makes EVERYTHING; the impossible times when I want to give up, and the billion times I have said those words to him with no response ALL WORTH IT.

I have been in a very down period lately. Most of my friends don’t even know. The reason I say this is because my boy, who is totally growing up, has been the most comfortable place to be. Our energy. That space. That place. The universe completely organized a week or two that he has been pretty much amazing at home and has been the only one to put a smile on my face. And, HE IS TALKING TO ME.

It feels so different. I am used to being ignored all the time unless he wants something from me. As much as I love him inside and out, I still feel lonely. A lot. This past week has been an eye opener for me in regards to thinking about him…an older him. A different kind of mother/son relationship. The possibility of sharing dreams and feelings. Just plain old reciprocation. Damn, that would feel good. There is a new excitement I have about my son and this autism thing.

Pretending is exploding. He has willingly been EXPLAINING to me what he is doing. I think this is making our connection even stronger because I get him. When he tells me something that wouldn’t make any sense to someone else, I know what he means. I know what sounds/songs he is mimicking. I can play along in his pretend world and wow, is this COOL.

I just watched this the other day. A Brilliant Young Mind…OMG. It stayed on my mind for days. Just watching the trailer again now makes me cry.

There is so much to think about as Jasan’s mom and how society will play out in his life. Seeing glimpses of an older kid is exciting. Really exciting.

School on the other hand, well, that is a different story. His behavioral therapist was over in our home a few weeks ago to help with some things. Better use of language we use at times, things to do at home to make life a bit easier, and the main reason was to make sure what they do at school carries over to what we do at home. His behavior is THAT BAD. Don’t get me wrong; I have seen it at home too, LOTS, but just not as severe as what they are experiencing almost daily. The biggest thing I took away from that meeting was she was so surprised how engaging he was at home. He was like a different kid than what they see at school.

I was completely surprised. He is almost unreachable at times in school. There are two modes for him they say; destructive meltdown or unreachable, unteachable; in his own mind.

What?????

This bothers me. A lot. My gut tells me that some type of alternative school, not necessarily one only for autistic children, but somewhere where there is a different approach to learning. The typical public school, “try to fit me into your box” thing maybe isn’t the best for him. (He is in an autistic class within the public school system.) Maybe he is just to young to tell. The school thing is perplexing to say the least. I hate to think of his days as so difficult, especially being there so many hours. Heart breaking.

(I do need to add, he has an awesome team at school. I fully believe that he is in the best scenario for now in the area where we live.)

But… then there is real life. We all follow schedules. We go to work. We don’t always get to do what we want to do. How does he learn this? Through the “typical” way of doing school? I guess I will figure it out as time goes on.

Winding this post to an end, I just want to say this…

He is talking to me. A lot. I love it. I feel like we have a real thing going here. It is only going to get better. I love him so much I could explode. He told me he loved me tonight. We are the king and queen of adventures and I love that too. He makes me smile so big and my heart hurts when we are apart. he agreed with me that we are best friends while looking me in the eye. He is so beautiful in every way to me. Should I keep going?

I mean, seriously. Look at that face!

Early morning Maytag.

July 28, 2014 By Heidi Allen 1 Comment

Another laundry room…and a happy Jasan. We enjoyed an evening with a friend and spent the night there. As the sunshine entered the room in the morning, my little dude woke with one thing on his mind.

MAYTAG.

So, we grabbed our sheets off the bed and washed them. (We are the best house guests. We always do YOUR laundry and wash our sheets after use.)

ha 🙂

The Laundry Room Series.

June 12, 2014 By Heidi Allen 4 Comments

An obsession of Jasan’s. I keep capturing it. He loves it.

I’m getting behind on posting these images… so why not make it a mini series.

For the love of laundry.

I love how he wanted to wear my comfy sweater. 😉

Here he is looking in to his favorite laundry room (that resides at our friend’s home…) most likely in admiration.

And then their is the laundry room that was also a highlight while we were on vacation in Florida. 4 generations in the photo below (including the one behind the lens.) <3

The life skill of laundry.

May 6, 2014 By Heidi Allen 2 Comments

Washing machines and dryers have been a huge point of interest for Jasan lately. While most kids would love for their mom to say, “Hey babe, wanna go to Monkey Joes?” My little love starts getting excited about my mention of swinging by Best Buy to hang and check stuff out.

Side note: I refuse to take him to Monkey Joe’s because he isn’t at all interested in the big jumpy inflatable things, he makes a beeline for the air compressors BEHIND the big jumpy inflatable things. Of course he would! They are machines. They kinda look like fans. (Major plus.) And, they make a cool sound. (But what MAMA sees are his fingers going into like 4 inches of nasty dust. No one cleans off the air compressors. EEK!)

Ok, back to laundry…

Before this blog was established, I posted a photo on the Following Jasan Facebook page of my little dude in the laundry room at a friend’s home. (see below.) That is where this new obsession with the laundry began. Front loading washer and dryer, top of the line, makes delicate little beep sounds when you press the many buttons on the front of the machines… ah. Digital, digital, digital. Heavenly for Jasan. You leave him in there to do his thing and after awhile he has a pattern going while devouring all of the finite details of it all.

At first I was a little embarrassed that he started preferring hanging out in the laundry room when we would go to their home, but I let that go. I wrote in that previous Facebook post that Jasan and I are blessed with friends that DON’T judge. They love Jasan just they way he is. When I am surrounded by that kind of support, it is easy for me to let Jasan do his thing. But overall, the cool thing though is that I had to dig deeper. Now I AM in a place of complete acceptance. In those types of situations, it was all about ME and my fear about what OTHER PEOPLE MAY THINK about my son, whether it be non-acceptance or judgments.

Yes, in the neurotypical 4 year old’s world it may be weird to be so intrigued by a washing machine. Or, it may be fun to press the buttons for a few minutes, but then would probably get boring. For my son, his brain is completely examining everything. The sounds, the cycles, what happens and the motions in each cycle, how many minutes until each cycle completes, which lights are lit and when… all those great details that bring his brain ALIVE.

If I love him unconditionally for who HE is, why would I want to redirect him to play with typical kid toys that he is not interested in?

I now realize that if I want to be his cheerleader and his number one advocate, I will stand by him and be his encouragement even if some other kid or adult may think what he is doing is odd. That is okay. It’s not odd in my son’s world.

Maybe the autistic brain’s world is wayyyyyyy cooler than you or I see the world.

And, who’s to judge anyway? Acceptance is such a huge thing for all of us. Wouldn’t it be awesome if everyone could figure that out?

And this washer and dryer obsession, it will fade after awhile… but man, he will sure have this life skill down.

Bonus for mama. 😉

I love that the sign on the cart reads,

“ANYTHING YOU WANT IS POSSIBLE.”

Perfect.