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Year 13…

October 4, 2022 By Heidi Allen 10 Comments

Hello all! It’s been many years of being MIA from this wonderful method of communicating, but it’s time to come back. I can’t think of a better time to start. We are now embarking on the teenage chapter of life!

My love for writing has been dormant for a very long time.  It feels good to sit with my computer in my lap and let my thoughts flow. So much life has been lived and many changes have happened since I have last been here! I have decided to wake up my love of sharing our story. This is a wonderful creative outlet for me, but the overall intention has always been to connect with others out there that have loved ones in their lives whose brains may function different than whatever the f@#k “normal” is supposed to be in society.

I will be eternally grateful for my son coming in to my life experience. My mind’s view of the world has been broadened in so many ways. Thirteen years ago he flipped on a light switch in me. It has been a journey, but I am in a place where I do my best to learn and dive into a loving, accepting place for everyone I come across. I honestly don’t think I would have become the person I am today without him. (I could write a whole post on just that subject!)

It’s kind of funny…it seemed that during his actual birthday week, his attitude started to change. As I giggled to myself realizing that I definitely have a teenager now, I noticed right away that there will be a whole different set of challenges. I am sure that every parent feels that. The tricky part for me is that our situation is a bit different.

I hate comparisons, but sometimes they are necessary to make assessments. A very good friend of mine has twin boys that are 6 months older than Jasan. Occasionally we all get together and I watch her boys interact with the world. As our boys have grown, the differences have become more significant. Physical development obviously, same.

Mentally, very unalike. Not better or worse, just dissimilar. As you may guess, knowing what most of the world recognizes about autistic traits, reading social cues and interactions with peers run on different parallels. Neurotypical people have learned facial expressions and body language by default. Neurodiverse individuals struggle more in that regard, which I would assume makes living life in this society very effortful.

I have read many articles written by those on the autism spectrum that talk about masking. Masking would be defined as the act of hiding one’s autism related behaviors, as well as displaying socially expected behaviors, to fit in. It has also been explained that the process of masking involves applying social skills MANUALLY rather than UNCONSCIOUSLY. It requires constant focus, and effort.

That. Sounds. Exhausting.

It also seems unfair.

At this point, I don’t think that Jasan is experiencing this at a substantial level (yet.) He still does his own thing when I am with him; stimming the way that he does. At home he skips around the room, scripting videos from YouTube that are present in his mind at that moment. He always has his laminated pictures nearby (of whatever his interest is at the current time.) I have always presumed that those pictures are a comfort item. He literally has a few with him at ALL TIMES. His little pile will follow him around the house, and when he leaves for school he has a few in his hand and the rest that are meaningful that day go in his backpack.

At school they all remain in his backpack. That is the rule. This is probably helpful so he realizes he can function without them, because in his adult life that would be weird to walk around with laminated photos in his hands. (See? Right there. A form of masking that may occur. Having to act like the majority of the world and doing what everyone else does. In turn, he excludes a comfort item. Now, the comfort item may change and become something that doesn’t appear “odd” in society. But the point is, masking. An example of how it sucks.)

When we are in public, he has his iPad or phone in his hands. He has started to carry a bag or backpack wherever we go with his pictures inside. He is my budding photographer (yesterday we discovered that he has 34,000 photos in his phone right now!) but what he loves to take pictures of is entirely his own niche, and I absolutely love that about him. The reason I mention this is because when he is in action, I am SURE people are wondering why he is taking the pictures that he does.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Right now the main subject of interest is cars. He knows *almost* (but feels like everything) about models of cars and their aesthetics. His car photos always target the rear end of the vehicle. He also likes to focus on the license plates themselves.

(Photos by Jasan)

So, you can imagine when we roll by a car that catches his eye in a parking lot and he jumps out to take a pic, people wonder WTF? We have even had to deal with some questioning why… or we just wait until people leave the area. (The easiest way, lol.)

We were at Woodfield Mall the other day and he noticed the address numbers on the bottom of the store windows. He crouched down and took a picture of each number as we walked past.

 

I had good friend participate in a craft show recently, and it was held in a large high school gym. Jasan’s eyes immediately took flight to the huge scoreboards with LED numbers and of course, he was totally all over that! Through the sea of people he made his way to each end of the gym and positioned himself, very obviously, to align himself with the best close up shot.

(Photos and edits by Jasan)

I stood behind him and noticed a few women nearby watching and questioning what he was doing. I usually look at inquisitive people and smile. It deflates the moment, of which Jasan doesn’t even recognize, but also makes me feel better. And hopefully, opens the mind of those that see him as strange.

(Photo by Jasan)
(Photo by Jasan)
(Photo by Jasan)
(Photo by Jasan)

Don’t judge. Just accept all humans for who they are. Instead of situations being weird, why can’t we as a society start to think, “Cool! What is that guy doing? Must be something interesting…”

(Photo by Jasan)

Coming back around to social development, 13 year old autistic, neurodiverse Jasan compared to most 13 year old neurotypical kids is wildly obvious to me. The interests and conversations are distinctively different.

Having a group of buddies and talking about girls, playing team sports and starting to notice development of social circles in school is how I see the neurotypical 13 year old boys around me. Jasan, on the other hand, does not have a friend group outside of school. I highly doubt that he interacts with the kids in his class as if they are personal friends; he most likely just exists on his own in the same room with them all day.

He doesn’t like sports. He likes his school, but because all of the kids that attend are autistic, he is not experiencing diverse social groupings. That doesn’t exist there. There has not, even for a blip of a moment, been any mention of being attracted to another person in a teenage romantic sort of way. (THANK GOODNESS. I haven’t even began to wrap my head around that stage of life yet.)

Jasan currently seems to be happy in OUR bubble. Still hanging out with his mama and going on our version of adventures, or just hanging out each doing our own thing but in the same space. On dad’s days off, we have family days and he doesn’t want to stray from that yet…

He still finds joy in skipping in front of the house pushing the hand truck/dolly just like he did when he was a little guy. There are many little routines that continue to hang around that seem juvenile, but I envision his play on imagination during these times to be highly evolved. He doesn’t need anyone to walk along with him; he is happy in his own private moments of the movie he is acting out in his mind.

Now… I’m not going to lie. As I write this, I realize how selfish it is for me to want to hang onto this phase where he is cool just being with me. But, inevitably it will change, and I know that will feel weird. Sad in a way, but in the same breath, I always feel elated when he evolves. I feel unconventional in regards to parents who make mournful comments about their kids growing up. In my situation, these are exciting times. That excitement trumps the loss of the kid stage, every time.

The phrase “stay in the present” that we all hear often is my focus these days. I want to make a practice to keep it that way. Time is not slowing down. Independence is a wonderful thing that I am excited for him to embrace. I don’t want to miss a thing!

I think I’ll end this post here. There is a lot more to talk about as time goes on…

Thanks for spending a few minutes here with me.

Filed Under: General, Parenting Tagged With: adventures, aspergers, autism, autism awareness, autism spectrum, behavior, boys, children, difficulties in parenting, discovery, emotional awareness, family, journey, life, life skills, mothers and sons, parenting, parenting special needs, special needs

Therapeutic Day School? Really?

May 17, 2016 By Heidi Allen 7 Comments

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Jasan has been going to the same public school since the age of three. He is now six. For the past two years he has been in the autistic program within the public school.

In the last IEP meeting we had, the team that works with him felt that some of Jasan’s behaviors were beyond what they were able to deal with. Destructive behavior without any reasonable or predictable antecedent. This is different from the year before and they feel like they are at a loss, therefore, the suggestion was made for him to be transferred to a therapeutic day school where they work with kids that are in a similar situation.

I was not averse to that recommendation. I want whatever is best for my son. I will do whatever it takes without hesitation. So, we (my mom and I) checked out the schools that they recommended and decided on the one that felt like it would be the best for him.

After the first visit, I was not expecting the emotions that arose within me. I was crying the whole way to work after our morning tour of the first school. Why was I feeling sad? Was I scared for him? Is this another feeling of loss to experience of a mom of an autistic child? He can’t make it in public school?

Probably all of the above, but I thought I was stronger than that. I thought, especially knowing the way I reacted to the idea from the team to send him elsewhere, that I was cool with it. NO big deal. It would be better for him.

During the second school tour, I felt good. In comparison to the first tour, this school kicked ass. I liked how the principal presented their mission and how he described the way the try to really understand why kids have the behaviors that they do. Actually getting to the root of the issues. Again, when I left, that strange wave of sadness took me down.

I have vivid memories of separation anxiety with my mom. BIG TIME. Almost debilitating to me. It was a horrible feeling that I wouldn’t wish on anyone, and I can see some of that in Jasan. I see a lot of similarities between him and me. Parts of little Heidi; emotional behaviors in my childhood that give me anxiety just thinking back that far. Gut wrenching feelings. In all honesty, that scares me.

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I don’t think that he fully understands that he will be going to a new school in a month. We visited the new school (which upset him very much because our morning was out of routine) and once we got there, he seemed okay. Timid, but going with the flow.

In my mind, I was sad for him the night before. I was explaining what the morning would look like. The tears and the begging “I just to stay at (his current school)” was making my heart hurt. I don’t think I have ever loved so much to where my heart literally feels like it is being crushed to bits when he is sad. The thought of this transition and his discomfort is pretty paralyzing to me right now. I did not expect these feelings at all.

I get sick to my stomach and angry sometimes when I hear parents that have kids (that transition with no issues) say, “Kids are resilient. He will adjust fine.” I have no doubt that eventually he will be in a new routine and all be will okay. But, the transition may be something that creates distress inside that he may NOT forget. That happened to me. I didn’t forget, and it made a difference in my life in some respects.

I realize I cannot control every aspect of his life. I cannot save him from pain; from sadness. Again, having a child is such a lesson in life. Oh, letting go of control. That is  hard one, especially when it has to do with what he is exposed to out of my sight. He is the love of my life and the closest person to my heart. Autism…ugh. He doesn’t tell me what happens play by play at school or when we aren’t together. He doesn’t share much at all. I am not sure he can yet. That is always something that I have struggled with. It’s really tough.

Today, after the visit to the day school with Jasan was rough for me. I don’t like the idea of him being so far from my office every day. Right now his current school is 7 minutes from me. Sometimes I think I have separation anxiety with him; there are days when I long to see him and can’t wait to be with him again. <3

This is a lot to take in. For him, once he starts making the change. For me, taking in all of this new information and watching him go through this move. He needs to go to a special school and that is okay. It is not what I envisioned for him, but again I have to change the expectations in my mind.

Why is it so hard to just not have expectations? It is impossible.

I want him to be successful. I want him to be able to hold a job and be independent. Ii hope he is a scientist or a sound engineer…whatever his dream ends up to be. I want him to thrive in this life. I hope he finds the perfect woman who understands him like I do and that they are able to have a love that is beyond measure within a fulfilling relationship.

These are expectations I have for his adulthood because I love him so much.

If life takes a detour to get him there, then I guess so be it. This is my lesson to go with the flow and let go of my childhood memories of anxiety. At least I know how to spot it and can hopefully help buffer it for him. The feelings of anxiety and sadness are going to come up for me in the days ahead. I will try to keep my thoughts positive, but I need to get my feelings out as well.

I want him to FOREVER know how much my heart LONGS for him, and to know I could inhale him I love him so much. 🙂

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Filed Under: General, Parenting Tagged With: acceptance, aspergers, autism, autism awareness, autism spectrum, boys, children, discovery, emotional awareness, family, journey, kids, life, life skills, love, mother son, mothers, mothers and sons, new school, parenting, school, sensory issues, sensory processing disorder, single parenting, special needs, transitions

Waves of grieving.

July 6, 2015 By Heidi Allen 16 Comments

This may be difficult to write.

I have to admit; I have definitely had a rough day. I am quite blessed to say that tough days where I let my emotions go down the negative path are few and far between. Today has been the exception to my positive streak. I am sure parents of special needs kids are here, where I am today, more often than not. Hence my decision to just sit and write.

I love my son more than I can even explain. I think that is why it feels so incredibly horrific when I have days like today. Days when I just give in to complete mental exhaustion. Why can’t I just have a day where I don’t feel like I am walking on eggshells? The mood swings can come out of nowhere and I some days feel like I am done with it. I am done with patience. I am done with overthinking. I am done with staying calm and looking at the bright side.

I wonder what it would be like to have him come to the grocery store with me and just comply? Or go to a movie with me and sit through the whole thing? Or be able to play like other kids do and just go be free for awhile? Or be able to handle a simplistic no? Not even a NO to something big. A NO to the smallest thing and here we go.

Mama has to tiptoe so that there is no meltdown.

I. am. so. tired.

This feels like a different stage for me. The toddler days are over. Now he is a little boy. His mind is maturing and wow things are different. Interacting with kids are different. I see how other kids AVOID him sometimes.

OUCH that hurts. A lot.

I do realize these are MY feelings, not his. I need to always put that forefront in my mind, but man, is it hard. I have bawled my eyes out driving home from friends’ homes where I thought that he would never be pushed away by the kids. Well, I was wrong. Big time. I had a little guy say to me (a situation where a bunch of kids were present, and obviously the boy didn’t realize I was Jasan’s mom) “Oh, HE isn’t staying the night, is HE?” with that annoyed tone.

HEART. BROKEN.

I have to realize the situation as it is. Not everyone sees Jasan as I do. This is a new stage of grieving for me, the ideas of a little boy and the things we would do and how life would be without autism. This experience of having a child is my only one. Every stage is a learning experience, but now with autism involved. Completely different than what I imagined pregnant with a little munchkin in my womb.

But even as I sit here and write this, he is playing with water in the sink. He just said the cutest thing to me and it is words coming out of his growing up self. Adorable. Completely. I look at him and all of this bullshit washes away.

I have been practicing the mantra, “EVERYTHING ALWAYS WORKS OUT FOR ME.”

I guess I am going to add, “EVERYTHING ALWAYS WORKS OUT FOR JASAN, TOO…”

Tomorrow is a restart. No more negative. Positivity and LOVE always win and bring the best into my life experience.

Filed Under: Mental Health, Parenting Tagged With: acceptance, aspergers, autism, autism awareness, boys, child, children, children playing, discovery, emotional awareness, grieving, growing stages, little boys, parenting, single parenting, special needs, toddlers

Brutus.

June 22, 2014 By Heidi Allen 6 Comments

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My brother named my stepdad’s truck Brutus many years ago when he was stuck driving it during a time period where he was car-less. It cracks us all up because the name is so appropriate. It’s an older truck that is an extra vehicle for our family. Sometimes you just need the bed of a truck to move things and it’s convenient to have one around.

Because this is an extra vehicle, it’s older. It’s not pristine by any means.

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Unfortunately, Brutus had made contact with a deer in the past. 🙁 Whoever owned Brutus previously definitely smoked cigars in it. (Ick.) And, this lovely truck has no functioning A/C.

But, Jasan loves the truck. He has the sound of the windshield wipers memorized…

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And he’s a boy. Trucks are just cool.

It’s mulch spreading time of year, and Brutus is being utilized to move big piles around the yard. Jasan likes to hang with his Grampie, so I caught these shots yesterday.

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He was content in truck world.

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When the neighborhood kids come over, they all like to hang in Brutus.

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Boys and trucks. 🙂

Filed Under: General, Obsessions Tagged With: aspergers, autism, autism awareness, boys, children, kids, summer, trucks

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  • Conscious Parenting.
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