It seems to me that within the past week, Jasan’s language is becoming more conversational.
THIS. IS. BEYOND. EXCITING!!!
I have waited 6 1/2 years for these moments. 6 1/2 years.
It’s really happening!
Tonight, after lights were out, we laid in bed and just talked. I have been trying to come up with some more adventures (new experiences for him) for us to do together, and camping came to mind. (I am SO not a camper, but I’ll try anything for him.) I suggested in the summer we could do something like that if he is interested. We literally had a whole conversation, where he was coming up with ideas and asking me questions, and we have a tentative plan.
- Do research on the perfect tent to buy. (Jasan and Mama size of course.)
- Buy a book and watch videos on YouTube about camping.
- Buy the tent in June.
- Learn how to put the tent together.
- Practice “camping” under our bedroom glow in the dark ceiling stars. (LOL.)
- Give it a go outside on the backyard deck one time.
- In July, pick a campground. Go check it out and visualize the experience. Make a list of things we would need/do.
- Camp for real. I hope I can make a fire.
(Did I just really write all of that? <3 Total elation.)
And guess what the last thing he said to me before falling asleep was?
I LOVE YOU MAMA.
Eighth time I have heard that unprompted. That is few and far between in his life so far, but each one of those eight times my heart has been filled so full it makes EVERYTHING; the impossible times when I want to give up, and the billion times I have said those words to him with no response ALL WORTH IT.
I have been in a very down period lately. Most of my friends don’t even know. The reason I say this is because my boy, who is totally growing up, has been the most comfortable place to be. Our energy. That space. That place. The universe completely organized a week or two that he has been pretty much amazing at home and has been the only one to put a smile on my face. And, HE IS TALKING TO ME.
It feels so different. I am used to being ignored all the time unless he wants something from me. As much as I love him inside and out, I still feel lonely. A lot. This past week has been an eye opener for me in regards to thinking about him…an older him. A different kind of mother/son relationship. The possibility of sharing dreams and feelings. Just plain old reciprocation. Damn, that would feel good. There is a new excitement I have about my son and this autism thing.
Pretending is exploding. He has willingly been EXPLAINING to me what he is doing. I think this is making our connection even stronger because I get him. When he tells me something that wouldn’t make any sense to someone else, I know what he means. I know what sounds/songs he is mimicking. I can play along in his pretend world and wow, is this COOL.
I just watched this the other day. A Brilliant Young Mind…OMG. It stayed on my mind for days. Just watching the trailer again now makes me cry.
There is so much to think about as Jasan’s mom and how society will play out in his life. Seeing glimpses of an older kid is exciting. Really exciting.
School on the other hand, well, that is a different story. His behavioral therapist was over in our home a few weeks ago to help with some things. Better use of language we use at times, things to do at home to make life a bit easier, and the main reason was to make sure what they do at school carries over to what we do at home. His behavior is THAT BAD. Don’t get me wrong; I have seen it at home too, LOTS, but just not as severe as what they are experiencing almost daily. The biggest thing I took away from that meeting was she was so surprised how engaging he was at home. He was like a different kid than what they see at school.
I was completely surprised. He is almost unreachable at times in school. There are two modes for him they say; destructive meltdown or unreachable, unteachable; in his own mind.
This bothers me. A lot. My gut tells me that some type of alternative school, not necessarily one only for autistic children, but somewhere where there is a different approach to learning. The typical public school, “try to fit me into your box” thing maybe isn’t the best for him. (He is in an autistic class within the public school system.) Maybe he is just to young to tell. The school thing is perplexing to say the least. I hate to think of his days as so difficult, especially being there so many hours. Heart breaking.
(I do need to add, he has an awesome team at school. I fully believe that he is in the best scenario for now in the area where we live.)
But… then there is real life. We all follow schedules. We go to work. We don’t always get to do what we want to do. How does he learn this? Through the “typical” way of doing school? I guess I will figure it out as time goes on.
Winding this post to an end, I just want to say this…
He is talking to me. A lot. I love it. I feel like we have a real thing going here. It is only going to get better. I love him so much I could explode. He told me he loved me tonight. We are the king and queen of adventures and I love that too. He makes me smile so big and my heart hurts when we are apart. he agreed with me that we are best friends while looking me in the eye. He is so beautiful in every way to me. Should I keep going?
I mean, seriously. Look at that face!
So beautiful. I love reading all of these, your both amazing and beautiful. Your heart and soul is so involved in his world that it will all continue to flow and grow!!!! Keep being you my friend!!! xo
Heidi Allen says
Such sweet words. Thank you!
This is beyond amazing!!!! Love it
Heidi Allen says
He’s so beautiful, and you’re wonderful with him. As for hearing “I love you” 8 times in 6.5 years…. you’re doing well. I’ve heard it maybe 15 times, and I have 2 autistic kids, both a little older than Jasan–which I’m saying, not to make you feel sorry for me (please don’t, I have the sweetest, funniest, most amazing kids in the world) but to reinforce your awareness of how well you’re doing. I want you to know how much you’ve EARNED each of those “I love yous” (kids sure make you work for them, eh?). The fact that your boy has said it so many times to you, the mother of an autistic 6-year-old… well. Suffice it to say, I doubt you could be doing any better, at being the mama *he* needs.
Thanks for another uplifting story, I love reading these 🙂
Heidi Allen says
Amanda, thank you. This made me cry… ?? it’s also nice to know I’m not the only one that counts how many “I love yous.”
Just know I needed to read this today. THANK YOU.
I can only try to fathom your struggle and the little triumphs you meet on your way. You are a remarkable person and the your patience ,perseverance and motivation really amazes me. I was really touched by this one. May Jasan continue to bring your happiness and a smile on your lips every single day.
Heidi Allen says
That means the world coming from you!