Waves of grieving.

This may be difficult to write.

I have to admit; I have definitely had a rough day. I am quite blessed to say that tough days where I let my emotions go down the negative path are few and far between. Today has been the exception to my positive streak. I am sure parents of special needs kids are here, where I am today, more often than not. Hence my decision to just sit and write.

I love my son more than I can even explain. I think that is why it feels so incredibly horrific when I have days like today. Days when I just give in to complete mental exhaustion. Why can’t I just have a day where I don’t feel like I am walking on eggshells? The mood swings can come out of nowhere and I some days feel like I am done with it. I am done with patience. I am done with overthinking. I am done with staying calm and looking at the bright side.

I wonder what it would be like to have him come to the grocery store with me and just comply? Or go to a movie with me and sit through the whole thing? Or be able to play like other kids do and just go be free for awhile? Or be able to handle a simplistic no? Not even a NO to something big. A NO to the smallest thing and here we go.

Mama has to tiptoe so that there is no meltdown.

I. am. so. tired.

This feels like a different stage for me. The toddler days are over. Now he is a little boy. His mind is maturing and wow things are different. Interacting with kids are different. I see how other kids AVOID him sometimes.

OUCH that hurts. A lot.

I do realize these are MY feelings, not his. I need to always put that forefront in my mind, but man, is it hard. I have bawled my eyes out driving home from friends’ homes where I thought that he would never be pushed away by the kids. Well, I was wrong. Big time. I had a little guy say to me (a situation where a bunch of kids were present, and obviously the boy didn’t realize I was Jasan’s mom) “Oh, HE isn’t staying the night, is HE?” with that annoyed tone.

HEART. BROKEN.

I have to realize the situation as it is. Not everyone sees Jasan as I do. This is a new stage of grieving for me, the ideas of a little boy and the things we would do and how life would be without autism. This experience of having a child is my only one. Every stage is a learning experience, but now with autism involved. Completely different than what I imagined pregnant with a little munchkin in my womb.

But even as I sit here and write this, he is playing with water in the sink. He just said the cutest thing to me and it is words coming out of his growing up self. Adorable. Completely. I look at him and all of this bullshit washes away.

I have been practicing the mantra, “EVERYTHING ALWAYS WORKS OUT FOR ME.”

I guess I am going to add, “EVERYTHING ALWAYS WORKS OUT FOR JASAN, TOO…”

Tomorrow is a restart. No more negative. Positivity and LOVE always win and bring the best into my life experience.

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16 comments

  1. I relate. So much. As a mom of a daughter with extensive mental problems & another special/quirky spectrum girl. It is a constant grieving of the dreams you had imagined for your child. It’s a constant trying to “remain positive” and look for their special gifts. However, sometimes it’s good to just say, “FML, this sucks!” It needs to be said sometimes, before you head back in and try to reenergizing yourself to maintain that optimism.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Heidi, You are you and that is all you need to be. For you and for Jasan. You love him and he loves you. You are both entitled to have bad days, not just Jasan. He also needs to know the you that has bad days. You are both changing and growing and that is amazing. I love you friend! To more bad days and even better good ones!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. You are a symbol of strength and perseverance. Jasan came into this world needing one person to be his biggest fan…and God chose you. You are giving him a life no other mother could. He is for you and you are for him. Love you Heidi Allen

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Some days are just too much, aren’t they? It does sound like your son has a lot going for him on the positive side. You’re really tuned in to him and to his social situations. That’s such a crucial skill!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Yep, some days just suck Heidi. They just do…for all moms, with all kids. However, most days DON’T suck. We just plug along – trying to nurture, teach, mold, model, and love. Not many jobs have that in the description, huh? Lucky us! Tired us! Blessed are we!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Hi, my cousin shared this with me. My son is now 19. We are doing lots better. I had a lot of tricks in my bag because the same ones don’t work everytime. As he grows he will understand more and you can help hime see the difference beteen a mountain of a problem and an anthill. To some people all fires are uncontollable forest fires. A reminder to see things for what they are will help. For you too. You won’t want your son to be with children who are not compassionate or understanding. He will find his people. For now, you may be all of them. he is a gift as long as you see him that way. Best of life.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Sometimes I think going with the flow is best; its when we add resistance into the mix that makes everyone’s life difficult. I know my personal situation with Jasan has always had its fair share of sleep issues, but staying calm and positive is key. Good for you for doing so! ❤️

        Like

  7. …and this is the other side of it. I have a younger sister with a disability and for every 10 amazing experiences there will be one or two that hurt deeply, and I’m just her sister – I can’t imagine what my Mum has been through. I love how honest you are.

    Like

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