Changes.

I feel like my “Following Jasan” project has been so neglected. I’ve missed writing and taking photos, but sometimes life happens and you just need to try to stay positive and get by. That’s been our situation lately. First year of full day school + a new job for mama + new routine + early as heck bedtime for Jasan = overwhelm and not enough hours in the day.

I don’t want this to sound like complaining; it’s not meant to. It’s a realization of a lot going on and how I have handled it. Umm…I haven’t handled it as smoothly as I assumed I would.

Due to the nature of how my son is wired, he really needs me. I LOVE that, but on occasion I feel like I need a minute to breathe. We went from spending the majority of every day together to (during the school week) about 3 1/2 hours (awake.) Now that we are a few weeks into this new schedule, I know he just needs MAMA and LOVE during that time period. Errands and life have a hard time fitting into that time slot.

Dilemma.

Transition for him has been difficult…as much as I am a sleep nazi with his schedule now, he still remains tired. His diet is beyond horrible at school so I am sure his energy gets low. (I don’t think chips provide the protein he needs. haha.) He isn’t used to NOT having a choice when it comes to the activity in his schedule. That is rough. Throwing and spitting then ensues, and behavior gets out of control. Reading these handwritten notes from his teacher when he gets home from school that describe the destructive actions that occur break my heart. Jasan and I are so connected that it is hard to hear that most of his days now are rough. So many questions go through my mind. I know he needs to learn how to follow a schedule at school. He will never survive in life if he doesn’t, I just wish it didn’t have to be such a painful process.

These past few weeks of what has felt a bit like mayhem to me, I have learned this. I know my son is beyond sensitive to my energy. He knows when I am not my even keel happy self. He may not be able to ask me, “What’s wrong, Mama?” but he will manifest his sensitivities to my discord in different ways. Sickness, moodiness, behavior issues, etc. And then, of course that adversely effects me. The vicious cycle continues until I get my head out of overwhelm and center myself.

I think our children with autism have a special gift. With the way they interpret their environment around them, how could they not be extra sensitive to what their caregivers are feeling? All kids are, of course, but our autistic children…

I believe it’s on a whole other level.

Which poses this thought. When you are a parent or a caregiver to a child with special needs, it is more important that ever to keep life in balance. That may sound unrealistic. Shit happens that we don’t necessarily control. But do we have the ability to create what we want in our reality and keep drama at a low? Absolutely we do.

I think it’s one of those things that we need to really think through to help our children. For example, we know that going into certain environments will cause sensory overwhelm and upset. We know the tools that they need to be able to cope appropriately, or we don’t go. That’s a simple one.

But what about when it comes to our emotional health as the adult? What can we clean out of our day-to-day to reduce emotional upset within ourselves?

That will greatly benefit our children. When we give them a calm and emotionally stable environment, that clears the way for them to thrive. We are their examples. With the challenges that they already face, wouldn’t it be the perfect scenario for them to succeed? I realize that this is much easier said than done. It takes lots of practice. I am not an expert by any means, but I do know that my awareness level is on track. That is step number one…

A key to this is living in the moment. Are you?

When I feel like I am living in the moment, I feel more calm. I can embrace what is happening. I can be grateful for where I am at, no matter what the situation. At this stage in my life I don’t believe in coincidences anymore. Life is always teaching us something. We have to open our eyes and our minds and be free to see it.

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Sometimes you just need an eye shot of a cute butt to bring a smile to your face. This cute butt works for me!! 🙂

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When I really feel off, I am going to bring my mind to this moment. Jasan. Beach. Waves. Running. That smile that melts me. Sunshine. Beautiful places on this earth that we can travel to see. The feeling of sand in-between toes. Watching him discover this beauty surrounding him. Sounds. Senses. Umbrella drinks. HAPPINESS.

It’s all about mindset. It’s worth it to me to keep a balance. For my own well-being, but ALSO FOR MY SON.

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8 comments

  1. Hi! We’ve been feeling the same here too! Transitioning is so hard, and this year mommy is working too and when I get home both kiddos are vying for my attention and the little guy is always won over by his little sis who literally pushes him off me and then it’s sitting on the corner of the couch blowing on his fingers 😦 changes are hard for everyone . . .

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  2. I am glad you monitor comments first, so please take this as simply a message. I also know I am sticking my neck out too often (but I will have no respect for myself if I don’t pass on what I read)… is there ANY chance you may be able to homeschool? I know as a single mom things are WAY different for you, but just in case there IS a way, do you read Emma’s Hope Book? http://emmashopebook.com/2014/06/19/homeschooling-unschooling/
    Heidi, this is in NO way meant as a judgement or an expectation, please understand that! I just know how important it is to you to accommodate your very special son, and perhpas he doesn’t need to follow a SCHOOL schedule after all. Perhaps you have a friend or parents or someone that can help – I would if I was near.xx

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  3. As I always state, ” My son doesn’t do changes.” 🙂 . Transitioning is not fun, but I constantly adapt and life goes on. You are doing an awesome job. Love the pictures too.

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  4. Heidi my heart goes out to you and Jason, Grammy. It’s rough, no one said it would be easy. Just take it as it comes and deal with that situation at that time. Know you have prayers following you all. School is a biggie. All day at this time for him is really big. I am pulling for you all. Mary V.

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